I am Fat and I Like Me

I can't just blame everything on the fact that I'm fat

2010-08-27T10:53:00.000-07:00

Like my title says, I can't just blame everything on the fact that I'm fat, but sometimes I do any way.

Last night I had the lineman from my middle son Dylan's high school football team over for a dinner. They have this thing where the linemen have dinner together on Thursdays before the Friday games. I'd worked hard and made a really nice spread for them which they definitely appreciated. I was friendly with the guys as they were arriving, but then, when they sat down to eat, I wasn't sure if I should stay and hang out with them or leave them to it, so I stayed for a while. They were definitely caught up in their conversation and I was quiet but it did give me a glimpse into Dylan's life which is always interesting. After awhile though I did exit the room because I was starting to feel out of place.

After the meal they went out front and decided to give each other haircuts; all of them got mohawks. The mental thought process of teen males is an interesting one indeed. After I got things cleaned up from dinner, I started feeling restless. My husband John is out of town for a few days and basically I was left to my own devices. A state which I usually have no problem, but for some reason I was feeling antsy. So I called a friend and told her about the dinner and that we had lots of good food still if she'd like to drop by for dinner. She was still commuting home from work, and had already been on the road for around an hour and was expecting at least another hour before she arrived at home; she thanked me for the offer but said that what she really wanted more than anything was to get home and take a bath, I totally understood.

Yet I felt at lose ends. For some reason that negative internal dialogue kicked in. Thoughts like if you weren't such a fat loser you'd have friends to go do something with came to my mind. How ridiculous is that? If I was super thin I still would have been in the same situation. Sometimes everyone get lonely and restless.

I love my mom but she is thin and has weight issues

2010-08-24T15:11:00.001-07:00

I visited my mom recently.

I love my mom and want to be a daughter who honors, encourages, helps, and is loving toward her mother. There are lots of great things about my mom.

I am fat because of my own lifestyle.

But my mom's attitude toward weight does not seem healthy to me. My mom has definitely bought into American society's idea of the correct female body - extremely thin. I can remember when I was in fifth grade and I overheard my mom talking with the school librarian (this lady went to my mom's church so she knew her outside of the school) about me. My mom was saying that she just didn't know what she was doing wrong and why I was so chunky. It was at that moment that I took on the self description of being fat, overweight, not good enough. The weird thing is that when I look back at pictures of myself at that age I was not at all overweight, I looked totally normal. Plus, kids in grade school teased some kids unmercifully about being fat, but never me - because I looked similar to all the other kids.

I got to thinking about this because my mom was talking about my 15 yr old niece when I was visiting. My niece and sister live with my mom. My mom was saying how my niece's stomach is just too big and she's going to have start eating healthy and exercising more. From what I've seen my niece could use to eat healthier, and she does have a rather active lifestyle (she's into swimming and water polo and is one of those teens who always wants to be out doing things with others). She is absolutely not over weight looking, in fact she's rather tiny. The issue in my mom's mind is that my niece's stomach is not totally flat. My concern, which I've tried to explain to my mother, is that my niece is already at that oh-so-self-concious-and-unhappy-with-her-looks-and-body stage in life as it is, and she needs positive input. She doesn't need to get into her mind that she's "too fat". She needs input to help her love herself and her body, and to take good care of herself. If they want her to eat healthier, they will just need to work a bit harder to find healthy foods that she likes and not have junk food around the house. I really believe strongly that they shouldn't say things to her about her stomach being "so big". But, I know this sounds negative, but my family is kind of crazy making when it comes to food and weight, so of course they ignored my input.

My mom also managed to mention while I was visiting that she was looking through old pictures recently and saw one of me. She said that the picture was from when I was involved with "that group that met up at the base of the mountains" and that she almost didn't recognize me. She emphasized how different I looked and how she couldn't get over how small I used to be. My question is why did she say this? Was she just talking and not thinking? Was she trying to motivate me to lose weight?

The background on the picture was that several years ago, when I had a 7 yr old, 2 1/2 yr old, and 1 year old son, my then husband was ignoring me. He'd apparently lost sexual interest in me (I later found out that it was because he'd been having an affair with another woman). So I got involved with this weight loss group for about 8 months that met at the base of some mountains near our home at the time. The group made you commit to NEVER ever eat candy or sweets, they told you that if you wanted to be healthy you must say good bye forever to such things. They also made you promise that if you ever slipped/cheated/wavered from their diet that you would confess to the group and leave the program. The program was extremely restricted with regard to food. During the first 4 months of that program I did lose the 50lbs that I needed to lose at that time and kept it off for the next 4 months. Then I "slipped" = ate something with refined sugar and had to take myself out of the program. Which, honestly, by that time I'd had enough of. Over the next 3 years I gained all of that weight back plus 10 more pounds. In the 15 years since then I've dieted off and on and lost back some of that weight only to, following the diet, gain back all that I'd lost plus gain back a few more pounds. So that now, 15 years later, I carry those 50 pounds plus ANOTHER 50 pounds.

Currently I am NOT dieting. But I am seeking to constantly be increasing healthy habits. Things like making sure I am involved in physical activities that I enjoy several times each week, not eating after dinner, drinking plenty of water every day, getting 7 (or more if I'm ever so lucky) hours of sleep each night, including more fresh fruits and veggies in our family foods. Eating for sustenance, health, and pleasure, but not to stuff down feelings. My emphasis at this point in my life is on self acceptance, respect, and love and an increasingly healthy lifestyle.

I appreciate a substantive woman of size

2010-08-07T16:36:00.000-07:00

Today Elena Kagan was sworn in as the 112th justice of the Supreme Court.

While I do not appreciate Elena Kagan's politics, I do appreciate that she's a substantive woman. She's intelligent, has worked hard, and contributes to her world in a big way. I might also add that it delights me that she's absolutely NOT thin!

Not everything is about my weight

2010-08-06T19:04:00.001-07:00

I love my sons, but my youngest two (age 16 & 17) are driving me crazy!

My middle son, Dylan who is 17, was very difficult today. He had FOUR wisdom teeth taken out and did not want to stay home following surgery. I finally agreed to let him go to his friend's house after calling his friend's mom and talking with her. So off he went for a few hours with a large bowl of strawberry jello in hand. I felt sad when I dropped him off. Dylan says mean things and I can't seem to stop it from hurting me. He feels like he's a man. I understand that he is indeed a young man but still feel like I need to intervene when he's making foolish decisions. In a year he'll be off to college most likely; but, for now, I do try for some minimum input. Especially in matters regarding health and well being.

Anyway, I was feeling so bummed. So I went to the local library and checked out an interesting book which I've quite lost myself in. There's this thing at a very nice couple in our church's house tonight; a hymn sing. A part of me wants to go. But I've been feeling lonely and one of the things I hate most of all is when I'm lonely in a group of people. I have no way of knowing it will be that way, but no way of knowing that it will not. I'm not willing to take the risk, just don't feel up to it. All of this has absolutely nothing to do with my weight. I really don't think I would feel any differently with Dylan today, or about going to the hymn sing tonight, if I were thin.

Do men flirt with fat women?

2010-07-28T20:46:00.000-07:00

I took my 17-year old son, Dylan, to the oral surgeon today for a consultation. I'd informed Dylan that we'd need to leave our home at 10AM. At 9AM Dylan calls me and lets me know that I needed to pick him up at school verses leave from home; since this threw off my timing I went out the door without putting on my wedding rings.

We had to wait a long time before our consult.

When we went in for our consult concerning removing Dylan's wisdom teeth the dentist/oral surgeon, much to my surprise, just kept talking and talking. But not about Dylan's teeth or oral surgery stuff; just personal chit chat. If I had been talking as he was, I would later have verbally hit myself for blabbing on so. It was almost as if he was nervous. But I can't imagine him to be new to the job; it seemed to be his offices. He was a Phillipino and I often have difficulty determining their ages because they seem to look so much younger than their same-age Caucasian counterparts. However, judging by the slight gray at his temples he had to be at least in his 40s. I just couldn't figure out what was going on.

When we left Dylan commented on it. Dylan said he noticed that the man didn't have on any wedding ring and that he must have been hitting on me. I laughed and said I didn't think so. Then I got to thinking; if I were really pretty, I would definitely figure that was what was going on. Then, I asked myself why wouldn't someone want to flirt with me?

All my life people have commented on my smile. People who lead worship in the church service who I don't even know have come up to me and said how they love seeing my smiling face in the congregation. People I'm getting to know often tell me how they'd liked me instantly because of my smile. So why couldn't this cute Asian have been flirting with me? My first thought was because I'm fat and of course men don't flirt with fat women.

Goals for 2010

2010-01-01T13:22:00.000-08:00

I'm so happy with myself that I didn't make any kind of new year resolution to lose weight.

I have however, for the past 2 years made goals to create and sustain healthy lifestyle changes. It was interesting for me when I was reading "Lessons from the Fat-O-Sphere" by Kate Harding and Marianne Kirby that there's this whole movement out there called Health at Every Size. I'd already been thinking about those concepts, so it was a delight to me to read more. I found some of the thoughts I'd been having validated as well as more ideas to ponder.

Last year I wanted to hike or walk 5 days a week and this is now a very firmly entrenched habit. Last year I also wanted to drink water more and now I easily drink 8 8-oz cups of water a day. This year I want to incorporate a yoga-type exercise CD 20 minute segment 3 times a week and to not eat after dinner. I also want to learn to eat when I'm hungry instead of eating out of boredom, to relieve stress, and only for pleasure when I'm consuming way more calories than my body needs.

I've decided to just make peace with my body.

If I'm really honest, I really look overweight to me and I still struggle with feeling embarrassed about it. I think that my embarrassment is wrong, but 49 years of living in this culture, combined with the heightened anti-fat sentiments I'm constantly hearing, make telling myself the truth, and believing it, difficult. But logically I know that if I'm putting the emphasis on being healthy and living a life of obedience to Christ, that I can't go wrong.

Found this today and loved it

2009-11-13T13:40:00.001-08:00

Is surgery really better than being fat?

2009-11-13T13:32:00.000-08:00

I was watching TV last night with my son and observed several advertisements for an elective surgery called "the lap band". I've seen bill boards for this same surgery, as well as radio ads, repeatedly.

My concern is that it's being touted as healthier to do this than to remain fat. I guess that could be the case is someone's weight was causing them to have diabetes, high blood pressure and high cholesterol; but what if someone is more than 50lbs over the proper height weight as identified by those charts in physician's offices, but has no identifiable health problems? Wouldn't this surgery be likely to cause health problems?

Are we so certain that being fat is the biggest problem possible?

New thoughts and some old ones too

2009-11-06T15:54:00.000-08:00

I checked a book out from the library, "Lessons from the Fat-O-Sphere" by Kate Harding and Marianne Kirby. This is a book I've heard a lot about.

So far I've read the first 5 chapters.

The main themes thus far are those of encouragement to:

Make peace with your body and accept yourself no matter what you current condition.
Give up on diets - they do not work.
Find physical activities that you actually enjoy and start participating in these activities.
Food, in and of itself, is not moral; there are not good foods and bad foods.
Eat when you are hungry, until you are full. If possible, eat healthy foods that you enjoy and desire.
Understand that fat is not bad, it is an above-average amount of adipose tissue. Fat is a descriptor as is tall, short, dark, light, etc.

On the one hand none of this sounds like any big deal; it makes sense. On the other hand, if you are a female who weighs more than 30lbs more than the appropriate weight as indicated by physician's office height-weight charts (such as myself), these thoughts are non traditional to say the least.

But I will attest that I've come to many of these same conclusions over the past few years.

I've decided that to go to a gym or take up running is just not for me so I'm not going to try to make myself do it. But I adore hiking out in nature. We now live in the mountains and can go right out our back door onto a trail that leads up into the national forest. It's actually a rather difficult trail (I've seen friends of my teen sons struggle to hike it), but since it's something I like doing, I have no problem, when there isn't snow, hiking 5 times a week. Invariably something comes up once a week where I'll get too busy one day, and once a week I go visit my mom (but I've taken to taking the dog with me and enjoy walking around the neighborhood every time I'm there). As long as I get to do something I enjoy, that I find makes me feel better, I like it. When I used to exercise to lose weight, and in a perverse way sort of to punish myself for being fat, I hated it.

About a year ago I gave up on dieting once and for all. It's interesting because, being fat and being on a diet is somewhat socially acceptable - it would seem that the thought is that at least you're trying to do something about it. But to be fat and not trying to diet at all is one that I've noticed seems to cause frustration for some people with whom I come into contact (It's not that I talk about it at all; it's that if they ask if I'm trying to lose weight and I do not indicate that I am, they are not pleased and seem uncomfortable).

I'm going to try out this approach to food. I have noted that once certain foods were no longer forbidden to me (since I'd given up on dieting I'd stopped forbidding myself to eat candy or desserts), they just stopped being such a big deal. I may want something sweet sometimes, but it's just not that big a part of life. I'm going to try to only eat if I'm hungry and to learn to be more conscious of what full feels like.

I will say that I feel good while reading this book. I feel like the authors totally get how I feel. As I am reading this book I feel like I am not alone. Instead of feeling ashamed and guilty I just feel that I am.

I think it's my own issue

2009-11-03T13:56:00.001-08:00

When I was growing up my father would always observe what people were eating and sometimes make comments. For instance, if someone overweight were walking down the street and eating an ice cream cone, my dad would comment to whomever was around him that the person did not need to be eating that. I assumed this was normal and that everyone does this.

Today my husband and I were at a buffet restaurant. I enjoyed a healthy dinner and refrained from eating more than was appropriate. I did however, desire some dessert. I asked my husband if he would go get one for me and he was surprised. I explained about the thing with my dad and how I always feel certain that people are looking at me and thinking, or perhaps saying, that I should not be eating that. He told me that it's my issue; to look around the restaurant and notice that there are people of all shapes and sizes present and that everyone is eating some dessert.

My husband is rather athletic and in really great shape. In no area of his life is he ever concerned about what people think. He is a Christian and does try to live in connection with God and in God's will; so he is definitely concerned about pleasing God, but could care less if people approve or disapprove of him. I think in this area, my husband is healthier than me.

I think it's my own issue if I care what people say or think.

I just don't get it

2009-11-02T19:27:00.001-08:00

Yet another another situation that encountered which I found unbelievable where someone was rude to a person who was over weight:

Currently the church I am in is without a pastor. We're a small campus in a small mountain town (posted population 3,500) but have a larger parent church (average Sunday attendance around 4,000) down the mountain. Various pastors from the parent church have been kind enough to fill our pulpit each Sunday. I'm really grateful to these pastors because they still have their regular duties plus preparing to preach for us and driving up the mountain to do so.

There's one specific pastor who has preached in our church a few times during the past year who I've come to love. He's a dynamic preacher and very down to earth in his delivery. He's also quite a bit overweight. We have two services at our church on Sunday mornings and some "concerned" congregant felt that she needed to approach this visiting pastor between the two services and talk to him about his weight problem.

Do you think he needed her to point it out? Do you think he didn't realize that he's over weight? Do you think what she said helped him in any way? What on earth could have motivated this behavior on her part?

Who's got the bigger problem?

2009-10-15T21:18:00.001-07:00

Not too long ago I was at a women's Bible study going through a 3-week video Bible study. The leader asked me to facilitate in one of the small groups that broke up for discussion following the video. The first discussion question was about if there are things that the Bible considers sin that are prevalent in our culture. One slim lady in the group talked at length about how terrible a problem obesity is in our culture and of course we all agreed that obesity is a problem in American society. But this woman continued to talk on about the evils of over eating; she even said that it's interesting that eating was the first sin. At which point another woman in the group said that no, it wasn't the issue with Adam and Eve eating per say, that the sin was pride - Adam and Eve wanted to be as all knowing as God and do things their way. The next discussion question was what sin do you personally struggle with. Well no one wanted to answer that question, so, since I'd been delegated to lead I figured I'd lead by example and open myself up a bit. So I said that I have a problem with over eating; Ms Slim dismissively informed me that everyone has a problem with that. I waited a bit, and when no one else shared, went on to the next question.

After the study had ended, Ms Slim cornered me and said she was sorry if she had seemed to be picking on me. I asked her what she was specifically talking about (she had talked a LOT during the discussion and I had been very challenged to let others have a chance to share as well). She said that she really doesn't have anything against over weight people and hoped that she had not offended me. Feeling extremely awkward at this point, I none the less assured her that I was fine. But she went on and on talking about how open minded she is toward fat people. It was really weird. When I got home I told John (my husband) about it and asked his opinion on the whole thing. He said it seemed to him like she had a judgmental spirit, at least for sure toward people who over eat.

To be candid, at first I felt guilty for being fat. Felt guilty for being such a "sinner" and eating so much. But then I thought about how everyone has some kind of struggles in life. I thought about what I would think if this happened to someone else instead of me. If someone else told me this story I would tell them that Ms Slim acted like a jerk.

I can't help but think that having such a judgmental attitude seems a much bigger problem than having issues with over eating. At least I'm nice to people.

It's OK to talk about just about anything except Fat

2009-10-15T21:07:00.000-07:00

I've been blogging for a few years.

Because I mostly talk about personal journal type stuff I've never had a particularly large following. About 34 people and typically only a few would comment on any one post. But today, when I posted about how I notice that for some weird reason it's as if fat people are pariahs in our society, I received significantly less responses.

So I actually emailed 4 friends who I know have some of the same struggles with weight that I do and asked for their input. None of them came by. I do not think it's because they don't like me, or aren't willing to help out, I think it's because the whole thing, being fat, is such a taboo.

I think that no one wants to talk about it because I've crossed over the line, I've somehow acted as if it's OK to be fat, and everyone knows it's not.