Where's my focus?

O.K., I am fat.

Statistically speaking, the chances are that I will always be what our culture considers fat.  I've read that for every 100 people who are obese, only 1 will regain a "healthy" weight.  Health scientists define obesity as someone with a Body mass index over 30.

I think I'm supposed to say that I don't care what other people think.  I'm supposed to have an internal sense of self that knows at the deepest level my own value, regardless of the feedback I receive from others. The truth is that my head knows I am valuable regardless of size, while my emotions fluctuate.

Sometimes I struggle with feeling like I'm less valuable because I'm fat.  Sometimes I feel like I have to be nicer, more pleasing, and agreeable simply because I'm fat.  It's as if I am making up for being fat by being incredibly easy to get along with. I feel guilty for taking up more space, for not being as "pretty" as I should be, for almost always being the largest person in the room.

Every day we all receive messages, both overt and obscure, regarding our value. Incidental daily occurrences such as people holding (or not) doors for us as we exit a business, the way tellers/clerks/checkers act toward us when we conduct business, how our bosses interact with us.  When I reflect upon it, I can honestly say that  people are almost always really nice to me.  I go through my day with strangers opening doors for me, bank tellers/grocery clerks/bouncers/etc. being extra friendly, and when I produce outstanding results my boss is happy.

Does this mean that the I'm-less-than-because-I'm-fat feeling is all produced inside my head?

I don't think so. I think that:

•  Fat prejudice is often less blatant and not clearly announced
• Sometimes I perceive that people don't think well of me because of my weight but it's never expressly stated, there have been jobs I didn't get that I believe my size/shape played into but I can not prove this....it's there in the subtext but rarely ever clear
• Over the years I've naturally stopped going to stores, clubs or places where I am likely to encounter poor treatment.  For example, I purchase most of my clothes online or at "fat lady" stores.  I'm older so I'm not into chic 20-something clubs where one might encounter more prejudice.
• Because I tend to look people in the eyes and smile, and I try to see and do nice things for others, I am more likely to have people respond in kind toward me.
• Media definitely sends volumes of anti-fat messages.  Examples are seen in the fact that newscasters and celebrities are super rarely ever fat, the trendiest fashions are aimed toward the thin, everywhere you look there are advertised ways to get thin 
• There are occasionally those well meaning individuals who overtly or covertly provide weight loss tips since they assume I'd be interested 

I've found that having more positive messages in my life diminishes the effects of the negative messages.

I can choose to focus on food, weight, diets, etc., or, I can focus on relationships, goals, and the world around me.  I can surround myself with people who value me.  I can develop an interior life that sustains me during the challenges of life.

Goals for 2010

I'm so happy with myself that I didn't make any kind of new year resolution to lose weight.

I have however, for the past 2 years made goals to create and sustain healthy lifestyle changes. It was interesting for me when I was reading "Lessons from the Fat-O-Sphere" by Kate Harding and Marianne Kirby that there's this whole movement out there called Health at Every Size. I'd already been thinking about those concepts, so it was a delight to me to read more. I found some of the thoughts I'd been having validated as well as more ideas to ponder.

Last year I wanted to hike or walk 5 days a week and this is now a very firmly entrenched habit. Last year I also wanted to drink water more and now I easily drink 8 8-oz cups of water a day. This year I want to incorporate a yoga-type exercise CD 20 minute segment 3 times a week and to not eat after dinner. I also want to learn to eat when I'm hungry instead of eating out of boredom, to relieve stress, and only for pleasure when I'm consuming way more calories than my body needs.

I've decided to just make peace with my body.

If I'm really honest, I really look overweight to me and I still struggle with feeling embarrassed about it. I think that my embarrassment is wrong, but 49 years of living in this culture, combined with the heightened anti-fat sentiments I'm constantly hearing, make telling myself the truth, and believing it, difficult. But logically I know that if I'm putting the emphasis on being healthy and living a life of obedience to Christ, that I can't go wrong.

Found this today and loved it

Is surgery really better than being fat?

I was watching TV last night with my son and observed several advertisements for an elective surgery called "the lap band". I've seen bill boards for this same surgery, as well as radio ads, repeatedly.

My concern is that it's being touted as healthier to do this than to remain fat. I guess that could be the case is someone's weight was causing them to have diabetes, high blood pressure and high cholesterol; but what if someone is more than 50lbs over the proper height weight as identified by those charts in physician's offices, but has no identifiable health problems? Wouldn't this surgery be likely to cause health problems?

Are we so certain that being fat is the biggest problem possible?

New thoughts and some old ones too

I checked a book out from the library, "Lessons from the Fat-O-Sphere" by Kate Harding and Marianne Kirby. This is a book I've heard a lot about.

So far I've read the first 5 chapters.

The main themes thus far are those of encouragement to:

• Make peace with your body and accept yourself no matter what you current condition.
• Give up on diets - they do not work.
• Find physical activities that you actually enjoy and start participating in these activities.
• Food, in and of itself, is not moral; there are not good foods and bad foods.
• Eat when you are hungry, until you are full. If possible, eat healthy foods that you enjoy and desire.
• Understand that fat is not bad, it is an above-average amount of adipose tissue. Fat is a descriptor as is tall, short, dark, light, etc.

On the one hand none of this sounds like any big deal; it makes sense. On the other hand, if you are a female who weighs more than 30lbs more than the appropriate weight as indicated by physician's office height-weight charts (such as myself), these thoughts are non traditional to say the least.

But I will attest that I've come to many of these same conclusions over the past few years.

I've decided that to go to a gym or take up running is just not for me so I'm not going to try to make myself do it. But I adore hiking out in nature. We now live in the mountains and can go right out our back door onto a trail that leads up into the national forest. It's actually a rather difficult trail (I've seen friends of my teen sons struggle to hike it), but since it's something I like doing, I have no problem, when there isn't snow, hiking 5 times a week. Invariably something comes up once a week where I'll get too busy one day, and once a week I go visit my mom (but I've taken to taking the dog with me and enjoy walking around the neighborhood every time I'm there). As long as I get to do something I enjoy, that I find makes me feel better, I like it. When I used to exercise to lose weight, and in a perverse way sort of to punish myself for being fat, I hated it.

About a year ago I gave up on dieting once and for all. It's interesting because, being fat and being on a diet is somewhat socially acceptable - it would seem that the thought is that at least you're trying to do something about it. But to be fat and not trying to diet at all is one that I've noticed seems to cause frustration for some people with whom I come into contact (It's not that I talk about it at all; it's that if they ask if I'm trying to lose weight and I do not indicate that I am, they are not pleased and seem uncomfortable).

I'm going to try out this approach to food. I have noted that once certain foods were no longer forbidden to me (since I'd given up on dieting I'd stopped forbidding myself to eat candy or desserts), they just stopped being such a big deal. I may want something sweet sometimes, but it's just not that big a part of life. I'm going to try to only eat if I'm hungry and to learn to be more conscious of what full feels like.

I will say that I feel good while reading this book. I feel like the authors totally get how I feel. As I am reading this book I feel like I am not alone. Instead of feeling ashamed and guilty I just feel that I am.

It's OK to talk about just about anything except Fat

I've been blogging for a few years.

Because I mostly talk about personal journal type stuff I've never had a particularly large following. About 34 people and typically only a few would comment on any one post. But today, when I posted about how I notice that for some weird reason it's as if fat people are pariahs in our society, I received significantly less responses.

So I actually emailed 4 friends who I know have some of the same struggles with weight that I do and asked for their input. None of them came by. I do not think it's because they don't like me, or aren't willing to help out, I think it's because the whole thing, being fat, is such a taboo.

I think that no one wants to talk about it because I've crossed over the line, I've somehow acted as if it's OK to be fat, and everyone knows it's not.