I can't just blame everything on the fact that I'm fat

Like my title says, I can't just blame everything on the fact that I'm fat, but sometimes I do any way.

Last night I had the lineman from my middle son Dylan's high school football team over for a dinner. They have this thing where the linemen have dinner together on Thursdays before the Friday games. I'd worked hard and made a really nice spread for them which they definitely appreciated. I was friendly with the guys as they were arriving, but then, when they sat down to eat, I wasn't sure if I should stay and hang out with them or leave them to it, so I stayed for a while. They were definitely caught up in their conversation and I was quiet but it did give me a glimpse into Dylan's life which is always interesting. After awhile though I did exit the room because I was starting to feel out of place.

After the meal they went out front and decided to give each other haircuts; all of them got mohawks. The mental thought process of teen males is an interesting one indeed. After I got things cleaned up from dinner, I started feeling restless. My husband John is out of town for a few days and basically I was left to my own devices. A state which I usually have no problem, but for some reason I was feeling antsy. So I called a friend and told her about the dinner and that we had lots of good food still if she'd like to drop by for dinner. She was still commuting home from work, and had already been on the road for around an hour and was expecting at least another hour before she arrived at home; she thanked me for the offer but said that what she really wanted more than anything was to get home and take a bath, I totally understood.

Yet I felt at lose ends. For some reason that negative internal dialogue kicked in. Thoughts like if you weren't such a fat loser you'd have friends to go do something with came to my mind. How ridiculous is that? If I was super thin I still would have been in the same situation. Sometimes everyone get lonely and restless.

Not everything is about my weight

I love my sons, but my youngest two (age 16 & 17) are driving me crazy!

My middle son, Dylan who is 17, was very difficult today. He had FOUR wisdom teeth taken out and did not want to stay home following surgery. I finally agreed to let him go to his friend's house after calling his friend's mom and talking with her. So off he went for a few hours with a large bowl of strawberry jello in hand. I felt sad when I dropped him off. Dylan says mean things and I can't seem to stop it from hurting me. He feels like he's a man. I understand that he is indeed a young man but still feel like I need to intervene when he's making foolish decisions. In a year he'll be off to college most likely; but, for now, I do try for some minimum input. Especially in matters regarding health and well being.

Anyway, I was feeling so bummed. So I went to the local library and checked out an interesting book which I've quite lost myself in. There's this thing at a very nice couple in our church's house tonight; a hymn sing. A part of me wants to go. But I've been feeling lonely and one of the things I hate most of all is when I'm lonely in a group of people. I have no way of knowing it will be that way, but no way of knowing that it will not. I'm not willing to take the risk, just don't feel up to it. All of this has absolutely nothing to do with my weight. I really don't think I would feel any differently with Dylan today, or about going to the hymn sing tonight, if I were thin.