Entitled

Entitled people have always bugged me.  I've worked in a management capacity in the human services field for close to 25 years.  Entitlement issues among employees is something you can easily get managers talking about at any time.

But I've recognized lately that I'm entitled when it comes to food.  I struggle with feelings of anger when I try to limit my food intake.  There's this part of me that feels like I should be able to eat whatever I want, whenever I want, and as much as I want.

In my highest head I know that is not true.  In life we can not do that with food or money.  I compare these two because in some ways they are similar.  You can't just buy whatever you want whenever you want - you have to live within your means.  It's the same with food - I need to live within my body's calorie needs or I will gain excess body fat.  When there is too much excess body fat it affects my body's ability to function properly.

But there's this internal dialogue at a deep level inside my head that says I can eat this - whatever it is at the moment - because I want it.  I will sometimes eat enormous amounts of food way beyond when my hunger is satisfied.  The internal words in my head that I've started becoming aware of go something along the lines of I deserve it because...

I've been praying about losing weight to lower my blood pressure.  Praying for God to help me.  I don't want to go start some program or read some book.  I'm praying for Him to empower me to change from the inside out.  I'm feeling like this about more than weight.  I don't have a goal to become thin.  I just want to lose enough weight to bring my blood pressure to a healthy range and to have more energy for enjoying life.  I'm praying that God will show me what it is I need to do.  If there are things I need to realize and think about that will enable me to be more successful when it comes to the basic things like becoming more physically active and eating healthier.

There are some principles from the Bible that I think I feel led to:

John 8:32 - Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free (NIV).
Principle - Truth brings freedom.  Lies make you a slave.

Psalm 51:6 - Behold, You desire truth in the innermost being,
And in the hidden part You will make me know wisdom. (NASV)
Principle - God wants me to have truth at my deepest core.

Deuteronomy 32:4 - He is the Rock, his work is perfect: for all his ways are judgment: a God of truth and without iniquity, just and right is he. (KJV)
Principle - God is the God of Truth

Psalm 25:5 - Guide me in your truth and teach me, for you are God my Savior, and my hope is in you all day long.(NIV)
Principle - God will lead me in truth.

I'm feeling that God wants me to identify some lies that are recurring thoughts in my head with regard to this whole food thing.  I'm fine with enjoying food and eating all kinds of things.  But I want to stop excessively eating.  I've come to recognize some thoughts that come before I allow myself to excessively eat.  They come along the lines of this I deserve to eat as much as I want because:

• I'm dealing with such stressful work situations
• I'm dealing with my family of origin who drives me crazy
• I've got to complete these school assignments and my anxiety level is high and I can stuff it down with food while I force myself to do this
• I'm feeling a mild discomfort from hunger pains and I can't have that.  I deserve to satisfy that immediately with whatever is easy.  I shouldn't have to work to produce food and it should taste really good.
• I'm a good person.  I do everything I'm supposed to all the time.  I go above and beyond in everything.  So I should be able to eat whatever I want.  In just this small thing I should get what I want!

I'm thinking that over the next few days I should examine these lie types.  I think that God wants to show me truth that relates to each of these areas.  Maybe I will benefit from replacing these types of lies with truth.

I can go find websites that will help me with increasing my activity level.  There are sites that can help me with my food intake - to determine the correct amount and types of food that will promote a healthier me.  I will do that.  But I'm thinking that I also need to do this internal journey.  That my lack of success in the past may be rooted here on the inside of me.  So, as I take the journey to increase healthy eating and activity habits, I'm looking to God to show me what He has for me in my spirit.
 

Committed to Change

I'm still fat and I still like me, but my blood pressure is high.  From everything I've researched I've found that if I will lose weight I can lower my blood pressure. So I want to change some things - my weight, activity level, my blood pressure - I want to be healthy.  I don't want to have a stroke and I don't want to take blood pressure medicine.  If I can lose weight and increase my activity level and lower my blood pressure I know that is better than taking medicine.

Plus I've gained more and more weight over the years so that now I'm uncomfortable.  Things aren't as easy to do as they used to be or should be.  Little things like painting my toenails.  I can't sit cross-legged on the floor anymore and I certainly can't easily get up off the floor.  I'm exceedingly ungraceful when I bend down to pick something up that I've dropped.

The problem is that every time I've tried to lose weight in the past it hasn't worked.  I've lost weight and then later gained it all back again plus more. 

So I want to approach things differently this time.  I'm not sure exactly what I'm going to do but the big issue is that I want to change.  I don't want to become skinny.  I like my larger body type.  But I do want to be healthier.  I'm praying and just gonna have to trust God for this ride. 

I can't just blame everything on the fact that I'm fat

Like my title says, I can't just blame everything on the fact that I'm fat, but sometimes I do any way.

Last night I had the lineman from my middle son Dylan's high school football team over for a dinner. They have this thing where the linemen have dinner together on Thursdays before the Friday games. I'd worked hard and made a really nice spread for them which they definitely appreciated. I was friendly with the guys as they were arriving, but then, when they sat down to eat, I wasn't sure if I should stay and hang out with them or leave them to it, so I stayed for a while. They were definitely caught up in their conversation and I was quiet but it did give me a glimpse into Dylan's life which is always interesting. After awhile though I did exit the room because I was starting to feel out of place.

After the meal they went out front and decided to give each other haircuts; all of them got mohawks. The mental thought process of teen males is an interesting one indeed. After I got things cleaned up from dinner, I started feeling restless. My husband John is out of town for a few days and basically I was left to my own devices. A state which I usually have no problem, but for some reason I was feeling antsy. So I called a friend and told her about the dinner and that we had lots of good food still if she'd like to drop by for dinner. She was still commuting home from work, and had already been on the road for around an hour and was expecting at least another hour before she arrived at home; she thanked me for the offer but said that what she really wanted more than anything was to get home and take a bath, I totally understood.

Yet I felt at lose ends. For some reason that negative internal dialogue kicked in. Thoughts like if you weren't such a fat loser you'd have friends to go do something with came to my mind. How ridiculous is that? If I was super thin I still would have been in the same situation. Sometimes everyone get lonely and restless.

I love my mom but she is thin and has weight issues

I visited my mom recently.

I love my mom and want to be a daughter who honors, encourages, helps, and is loving toward her mother. There are lots of great things about my mom.

I am fat because of my own lifestyle.

But my mom's attitude toward weight does not seem healthy to me. My mom has definitely bought into American society's idea of the correct female body - extremely thin. I can remember when I was in fifth grade and I overheard my mom talking with the school librarian (this lady went to my mom's church so she knew her outside of the school) about me. My mom was saying that she just didn't know what she was doing wrong and why I was so chunky. It was at that moment that I took on the self description of being fat, overweight, not good enough. The weird thing is that when I look back at pictures of myself at that age I was not at all overweight, I looked totally normal. Plus, kids in grade school teased some kids unmercifully about being fat, but never me - because I looked similar to all the other kids.

I got to thinking about this because my mom was talking about my 15 yr old niece when I was visiting. My niece and sister live with my mom. My mom was saying how my niece's stomach is just too big and she's going to have start eating healthy and exercising more. From what I've seen my niece could use to eat healthier, and she does have a rather active lifestyle (she's into swimming and water polo and is one of those teens who always wants to be out doing things with others). She is absolutely not over weight looking, in fact she's rather tiny. The issue in my mom's mind is that my niece's stomach is not totally flat. My concern, which I've tried to explain to my mother, is that my niece is already at that oh-so-self-concious-and-unhappy-with-her-looks-and-body stage in life as it is, and she needs positive input. She doesn't need to get into her mind that she's "too fat". She needs input to help her love herself and her body, and to take good care of herself. If they want her to eat healthier, they will just need to work a bit harder to find healthy foods that she likes and not have junk food around the house. I really believe strongly that they shouldn't say things to her about her stomach being "so big". But, I know this sounds negative, but my family is kind of crazy making when it comes to food and weight, so of course they ignored my input.

My mom also managed to mention while I was visiting that she was looking through old pictures recently and saw one of me. She said that the picture was from when I was involved with "that group that met up at the base of the mountains" and that she almost didn't recognize me. She emphasized how different I looked and how she couldn't get over how small I used to be. My question is why did she say this? Was she just talking and not thinking? Was she trying to motivate me to lose weight?

The background on the picture was that several years ago, when I had a 7 yr old, 2 1/2 yr old, and 1 year old son, my then husband was ignoring me. He'd apparently lost sexual interest in me (I later found out that it was because he'd been having an affair with another woman). So I got involved with this weight loss group for about 8 months that met at the base of some mountains near our home at the time. The group made you commit to NEVER ever eat candy or sweets, they told you that if you wanted to be healthy you must say good bye forever to such things. They also made you promise that if you ever slipped/cheated/wavered from their diet that you would confess to the group and leave the program. The program was extremely restricted with regard to food. During the first 4 months of that program I did lose the 50lbs that I needed to lose at that time and kept it off for the next 4 months. Then I "slipped" = ate something with refined sugar and had to take myself out of the program. Which, honestly, by that time I'd had enough of. Over the next 3 years I gained all of that weight back plus 10 more pounds. In the 15 years since then I've dieted off and on and lost back some of that weight only to, following the diet, gain back all that I'd lost plus gain back a few more pounds. So that now, 15 years later, I carry those 50 pounds plus ANOTHER 50 pounds.

Currently I am NOT dieting. But I am seeking to constantly be increasing healthy habits. Things like making sure I am involved in physical activities that I enjoy several times each week, not eating after dinner, drinking plenty of water every day, getting 7 (or more if I'm ever so lucky) hours of sleep each night, including more fresh fruits and veggies in our family foods. Eating for sustenance, health, and pleasure, but not to stuff down feelings. My emphasis at this point in my life is on self acceptance, respect, and love and an increasingly healthy lifestyle.

I appreciate a substantive woman of size

Today Elena Kagan was sworn in as the 112th justice of the Supreme Court.

While I do not appreciate Elena Kagan's politics, I do appreciate that she's a substantive woman. She's intelligent, has worked hard, and contributes to her world in a big way. I might also add that it delights me that she's absolutely NOT thin!

Not everything is about my weight

I love my sons, but my youngest two (age 16 & 17) are driving me crazy!

My middle son, Dylan who is 17, was very difficult today. He had FOUR wisdom teeth taken out and did not want to stay home following surgery. I finally agreed to let him go to his friend's house after calling his friend's mom and talking with her. So off he went for a few hours with a large bowl of strawberry jello in hand. I felt sad when I dropped him off. Dylan says mean things and I can't seem to stop it from hurting me. He feels like he's a man. I understand that he is indeed a young man but still feel like I need to intervene when he's making foolish decisions. In a year he'll be off to college most likely; but, for now, I do try for some minimum input. Especially in matters regarding health and well being.

Anyway, I was feeling so bummed. So I went to the local library and checked out an interesting book which I've quite lost myself in. There's this thing at a very nice couple in our church's house tonight; a hymn sing. A part of me wants to go. But I've been feeling lonely and one of the things I hate most of all is when I'm lonely in a group of people. I have no way of knowing it will be that way, but no way of knowing that it will not. I'm not willing to take the risk, just don't feel up to it. All of this has absolutely nothing to do with my weight. I really don't think I would feel any differently with Dylan today, or about going to the hymn sing tonight, if I were thin.

Do men flirt with fat women?

I took my 17-year old son, Dylan, to the oral surgeon today for a consultation. I'd informed Dylan that we'd need to leave our home at 10AM. At 9AM Dylan calls me and lets me know that I needed to pick him up at school verses leave from home; since this threw off my timing I went out the door without putting on my wedding rings.

We had to wait a long time before our consult.

When we went in for our consult concerning removing Dylan's wisdom teeth the dentist/oral surgeon, much to my surprise, just kept talking and talking. But not about Dylan's teeth or oral surgery stuff; just personal chit chat. If I had been talking as he was, I would later have verbally hit myself for blabbing on so. It was almost as if he was nervous. But I can't imagine him to be new to the job; it seemed to be his offices. He was a Phillipino and I often have difficulty determining their ages because they seem to look so much younger than their same-age Caucasian counterparts. However, judging by the slight gray at his temples he had to be at least in his 40s. I just couldn't figure out what was going on.

When we left Dylan commented on it. Dylan said he noticed that the man didn't have on any wedding ring and that he must have been hitting on me. I laughed and said I didn't think so. Then I got to thinking; if I were really pretty, I would definitely figure that was what was going on. Then, I asked myself why wouldn't someone want to flirt with me?

All my life people have commented on my smile. People who lead worship in the church service who I don't even know have come up to me and said how they love seeing my smiling face in the congregation. People I'm getting to know often tell me how they'd liked me instantly because of my smile. So why couldn't this cute Asian have been flirting with me? My first thought was because I'm fat and of course men don't flirt with fat women.