Sunday, April 6, 2014

Just this small thing

I want to pray and look at one of lies that is said inside my head sometimes:

"I'm a good person.  I do everything I'm supposed to all the time.  I go above and beyond in everything.  So I should be able to eat whatever I want.  In just this small thing I should get what I want!"

Two thoughts come to my mind about this statement.  One is how childish it sounds and the other is concern about the the just-this-small-thing attitude.

This thinking smacks of my childhood.  I do everything I'm supposed to all the time - what's that about?  I'm an adult and I choose my own behavior.  Yes I may be compliant with laws, work requirements, commitments made to ministry, or going above and beyond for my school assignments - but these are my choices.  Not to mention that I make these choices because they benefit me.

When I was growing up our household was a bit crazy.  My two older sisters have been acting out since I was young.  I felt like I had to be really good all the time to compensate.  My parents focused on my sisters because they pretty much had to.  I felt alone.  In that unreasonable way that children have of thinking they are so powerful, I had a drive in the back of my mind to be really good so that everything would come out all right.  Only it never did.

As an adult I've become big on the thought process that all God requires of me is obedience and He will take care of the results.  I've reminded myself of this truth when results have not been what I wanted.

I'm really uncomfortable about the In just this small thing I should get what I want thing.  I can't quite put my finger on it but I know it's wrong.  It feels rebellious (there's that childish thing again). I am a Christian.  Christian teaching is that you take direction from God.  Two scriptures that come to mind are:

1 Corinthians 6:19-20 (NIV):
19 Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; 20 you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies.

James 4:7-10 (MSG)
So let God work his will in you. Yell a loud no to the Devil and watch him scamper. Say a quiet yes to God and he’ll be there in no time. Quit dabbling in sin. Purify your inner life. Quit playing the field. Hit bottom, and cry your eyes out. The fun and games are over. Get serious, really serious. Get down on your knees before the Master; it’s the only way you’ll get on your feet.

It's all about attitude.... 

Saturday, April 5, 2014


Entitled people have always bugged me.  I've worked in a management capacity in the human services field for close to 25 years.  Entitlement issues among employees is something you can easily get managers talking about at any time.

But I've recognized lately that I'm entitled when it comes to food.  I struggle with feelings of anger when I try to limit my food intake.  There's this part of me that feels like I should be able to eat whatever I want, whenever I want, and as much as I want.

In my highest head I know that is not true.  In life we can not do that with food or money.  I compare these two because in some ways they are similar.  You can't just buy whatever you want whenever you want - you have to live within your means.  It's the same with food - I need to live within my body's calorie needs or I will gain excess body fat.  When there is too much excess body fat it affects my body's ability to function properly.

But there's this internal dialogue at a deep level inside my head that says I can eat this - whatever it is at the moment - because I want it.  I will sometimes eat enormous amounts of food way beyond when my hunger is satisfied.  The internal words in my head that I've started becoming aware of go something along the lines of I deserve it because...

I've been praying about losing weight to lower my blood pressurePraying for God to help me.  I don't want to go start some program or read some book.  I'm praying for Him to empower me to change from the inside out.  I'm feeling like this about more than weight.  I don't have a goal to become thin.  I just want to lose enough weight to bring my blood pressure to a healthy range and to have more energy for enjoying life.  I'm praying that God will show me what it is I need to do.  If there are things I need to realize and think about that will enable me to be more successful when it comes to the basic things like becoming more physically active and eating healthier.

There are some principles from the Bible that I think I feel led to:

John 8:32 - Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free (NIV).
Principle - Truth brings freedom.  Lies make you a slave.

Psalm 51:6 - Behold, You desire truth in the innermost being,
And in the hidden part You will make me know wisdom. (NASV)
Principle - God wants me to have truth at my deepest core.

Deuteronomy 32:4 - He is the Rock, his work is perfect: for all his ways are judgment: a God of truth and without iniquity, just and right is he. (KJV)
Principle - God is the God of Truth

Psalm 25:5 - Guide me in your truth and teach me, for you are God my Savior, and my hope is in you all day long.(NIV)
Principle - God will lead me in truth.

I'm feeling that God wants me to identify some lies that are recurring thoughts in my head with regard to this whole food thing.  I'm fine with enjoying food and eating all kinds of things.  But I want to stop excessively eating.  I've come to recognize some thoughts that come before I allow myself to excessively eat.  They come along the lines of this I deserve to eat as much as I want because:

  • I'm dealing with such stressful work situations
  • I'm dealing with my family of origin who drives me crazy
  • I've got to complete these school assignments and my anxiety level is high and I can stuff it down with food while I force myself to do this
  • I'm feeling a mild discomfort from hunger pains and I can't have that.  I deserve to satisfy that immediately with whatever is easy.  I shouldn't have to work to produce food and it should taste really good.
  • I'm a good person.  I do everything I'm supposed to all the time.  I go above and beyond in everything.  So I should be able to eat whatever I want.  In just this small thing I should get what I want!
I'm thinking that over the next few days I should examine these lie types.  I think that God wants to show me truth that relates to each of these areas.  Maybe I will benefit from replacing these types of lies with truth.

I can go find websites that will help me with increasing my activity level.  There are sites that can help me with my food intake - to determine the correct amount and types of food that will promote a healthier me.  I will do that.  But I'm thinking that I also need to do this internal journey.  That my lack of success in the past may be rooted here on the inside of me.  So, as I take the journey to increase healthy eating and activity habits, I'm looking to God to show me what He has for me in my spirit.

Committed to Change

I'm still fat and I still like me, but my blood pressure is high.  From everything I've researched I've found that if I will lose weight I can lower my blood pressure. So I want to change some things - my weight, activity level, my blood pressure - I want to be healthy.  I don't want to have a stroke and I don't want to take blood pressure medicine.  If I can lose weight and increase my activity level and lower my blood pressure I know that is better than taking medicine.

Plus I've gained more and more weight over the years so that now I'm uncomfortable.  Things aren't as easy to do as they used to be or should be.  Little things like painting my toenails.  I can't sit cross-legged on the floor anymore and I certainly can't easily get up off the floor.  I'm exceedingly ungraceful when I bend down to pick something up that I've dropped.

The problem is that every time I've tried to lose weight in the past it hasn't worked.  I've lost weight and then later gained it all back again plus more. 

So I want to approach things differently this time.  I'm not sure exactly what I'm going to do but the big issue is that I want to change.  I don't want to become skinny.  I like my larger body type.  But I do want to be healthier.  I'm praying and just gonna have to trust God for this ride.